the struggle

day twenty-five: the great mayo meltdown ’16

Posted on by thedingismything

Got a little bit of bad news yesterday. Both of the offers we submitted for houses last week were rejected. Seriously, who are these people making all-cash offers over asking price? How are we supposed to compete with that? Who has half a million dollars in cash just lying around anyway? And if you do, why the hell would you want to live in Reseda, of all places?

<<deep breath>>

As you might infer, I’m a little disappointed. But, I also was expecting it, so it wasn’t completely devastating. I took the news pretty well, and tried to muster up enthusiasm for going back to square one and checking out the latest on Redfin and Zillow. That lasted about 10 minutes before I was just over it.

I take solace in knowing that it’s not just us who find it difficult (read: impossible) to buy a home in this market. Still, it makes me feel pretty crummy. I’ve had some pretty sharp peaks and valleys when it comes to my self-worth and self-confidence over the years. I can honestly say that nothing has made me feel as much of a miserable failure in life as this home-buying process has.

When I finally left the office, I had one of those commutes where every asshole on the 5 freeway decided it was ok to cut me off. I hit every single red light. I had to stop at the store, and a shithead stole my parking space as I was about to pull in to it. Got in the shortest line behind the s-l-o-w-e-s-t old lady who, of course, paid in cash – with exact change.

You can imagine I’m reaching the end of my rope here.

The Husband said he would handle dinner for us. He was taking a stab at a salmon cakes recipe out of the Whole30 book. The note at the bottom of the page said it paired well with the tartar sauce recipe, made from their basic mayo.

For any newcomers, the Whole30 basic mayo was the first Whole30 recipe I made and it was a smash hit. I was so happy with it. Easy to make, tasted great, saved my lunches for the first 10 days. I haven’t made any since I ran out of my first batch, so while he made the salmon cakes, I took on the mayo so we’d have a nice little sauce on the side.

One egg, one-half teaspoon of mustard powder, one teaspoon of salt and a quarter of a cup of olive oil all went into the standing mixer. I flipped it on, and it started to combine.

And then, it just kinda did nothing.

I seemed to remember it looking a little less liquidy the first time. But oh well. Let’s just keep going.

Started to drizzle in my one cup of olive oil. Little bit at a time. Little bit. Little. Bit.

Only difference was MORE of the liquid. Not thickening. At all.

Do I stop? No! Persevere! Keep going! It will start to emulsify.

Have I mentioned it’s 7:45 p.m. at this point, the salmon cakes are just about ready, and we’re both starving?

Entire cup of olive oil is mixed in. It’s the same consistency. Much more yellow than I remember it looking the first time.

At this point, a person in their right mind might step back and think, “OK, clearly this isn’t working out. You’re hungry and tired and very stressed out. Just stop and enjoy the cakes by themselves.”

I wasn’t in my right mind.

I went back to the recipe and saw the direction that said your egg needed to be at room temperature in order for this to work. Forgot all about that. No wonder. A tip said that if you’re pressed for time (story of my life) you can put the egg in a bowl of hot water for five minutes and then it would work.

Second egg comes out of the fridge and goes into a bowl of hot water. I remove the first failed batch from the mixer and pour it into a mason jar. All I can think about at this point is that a bottle of olive oil costs $15 and I just wasted about $3 worth. I can’t throw this away. I can save this somehow.

I start the second batch. Egg is warmed to room temp, everything else is good to go. I’ve re-read the complete instructions for the recipe about four times. It’s now 8 p.m. and the salmon cakes are out of the oven. The Husband, the most patient man on the Earth, is waiting for me to get this mayo right.

I add the first ingredients. It looks slightly thicker this time. I’m hopeful.

I crank the mixer up to top speed and begin to slowly drizzle in the olive oil.

Same. Exact. Results.

Not thickening. Not getting lighter in color. Not working. Not happening.

And I start losing my mind.

There is ugly crying, and then there is what unfolded for me last night.

My face got hot, tears welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face. I’ve wasted $6 worth of olive oil, about 45 minutes, made my loving husband wait for mayo that never happened, ruined dinner by crying, and above all, I can’t buy a house.

At that point, realizing that my brain had long stopped working, The Husband literally handed me my plate of three salmon cakes, turned off all the lights in the kitchen and walked me over to sit down and fucking eat. And I cried the entire time.

I think it’s fair to say that our home offer rejections affected me more than I realized. I rode that bus way past Discouraged, past Disillusionment, straight into Crazy Town.

After we ate, I went back and poured the second failed batch into the jar with the first one. It’s in my fridge as we speak. I’m going to find a way to use it if it kills me.

P.S. The salmon cakes came out really good, in case anyone is wondering. And I married the greatest man on the planet.

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Wouldn’t that have just been perfect with a little mayo?

 

Note: This is a re-post from the Tumblr version of this blog. It originally ran on April 21, 2016

‘biggest loser’ weight gain? duh.

Posted on by thedingismything

Everyone I know is buzzing about the New York Times article that came out over the weekend discussing the “Biggest Loser” contestants and how they gain weight back after the competition is over. To be honest, it was about as shocking to me as Melisandre bringing Jon Snow back to life.

Ooops. Spoiler alert?

The contestants’ weight gain isn’t news, and shouldn’t be wowing everyone as much as it is. After season one of the show, I read a magazine article talking about the second-place runner up and what he went through to try to win the show. In the days leading up to the finale, he had done all the tricks that body builders and fighters do to cut weight. Dehydrate. Starve. Sweat. Guess what? The man gained back 35 pounds in the first week after the weigh-in. You know why?

Because he returned to a normal lifestyle, but his metabolism did not.

The real news of this article, and what ought to be the biggest takeaway, is the discovery that the drastic (and in my opinion, violent) weight loss that the contestants undergo during the six or seven months on the show plummets their resting metabolic rate and levels of leptin, the hormone that controls hunger. When the show was over, their RMR (the level of energy and calories your body would burn if you did nothing but rest all day err day) was burning hundreds of calories less than people their size ought to. And they were hungry all the freaking time.

Do you have any idea how much that sucks? That would be like, if you and your friends ordered a pizza to share, and everyone gets one slice and feels fine because they didn’t overeat, but then you’re over there unbuttoning your pants and digging in your purse for some Pepto.

That would be like, if you went to the gym with your bestie to hit the treadmills and she sets hers at incline level 2 and walks about 3 miles per hour, while you’ve got yours cranked all the way up to 15 and you’re running a solid 6 mph and sweating like a pig, and then after an hour she’s blasted 350 calories and you only burned 85.

That would be like, if you and your friends went out for drinks and everyone else orders another round except for you because you got wasted halfway through your light beer and now you’re passed out on the table and everyone’s drawing the word “lightweight” on your forehead and taking selfies with you while you drool.

That one might be a stretch, but you get the picture.

Simply put, it just plain sucks.

The show’s doctor, in the article, says he wasn’t surprised to see the RMRs drop, but acknowledged that he didn’t expect to see them drop as much as they did. What he says next is a real kick in the pants: “Maintaining weight loss is difficult … which is why he tells contestants that they should exercise at least nine hours a week and monitor their diets to keep the weight off.”

NINE HOURS A WEEK?

Who the f*ck has the kind of lifestyle that gives them the freedom to work out NINE HOURS each and every week?? I mean it. Really. I want to meet this person so I can find out where I went wrong in my life.

That is more than an hour each day of exercise. That’s more than 90 minutes a day if you’re even thinking about taking a rest day.

You might be thinking that doesn’t sound so bad. Let’s really take a minute to break that down. We’re not talking about 90 minutes a day running on a treadmill. We’re not talking about 90 minutes a day of Bikram yoga. We’re not talking about that Zumba class you take three nights a week. We’re talking 90 continuous minutes of high intensity cardio and strength training.

I go to a morning bootcamp about four to five times a week. The class time is from 5:30 a.m. to 6:15 a.m. We show up; there are stragglers; we do a short warm-up; then we receive instruction for each of the exercises in that day’s circuit. By the time we begin class, it’s 5:45 a.m. On our best days, we clock a solid 30 minutes of exercise.

Working out at a high level of intensity for a solid 90 minutes? Woof.

The average Joe or Jane isn’t going to have a lifestyle that provides them an opportunity to do this. We all work. Some of us have a commute. Some have kids. Some have two jobs. Pets. People to care for other than themselves. Houses to maintain. We need time to cook. Meal prep, dammit. So much meal prep.

What’s that? Time to relax? Have fun? HAHAHAHA shut up, stupid.

Unless you have a career that enables you to afford to pay for a chef, a nanny, a gardener, a housekeeper, a personal assistant, and likely, a personal trainer, exercising nine hours a week is a pretty unrealistic goal to maintain for a long period of time, let alone, forever.

It’s no wonder to me that the contestants on “Biggest Loser” struggle so much after the show is over. Their bodies freaked out trying to adapt to the demand of seven hours a day of exercise. That’s right – while on the show, they exercise SEVEN hours a day. F*ck that. Then, once their bodies get used to that abuse, it all stops! Their bodies are exhausted and trying to figure out what the hell is happening. Even worse is the mental state that’s got to go along with that.

This morning I heard one of the contestants interviewed on TV, and he was talking about the shame he felt gaining weight back. You know how ashamed you feel around your friends when you’ve gained weight? Try to think about how much shame you’d feel when the entire country is looking, he said.

Holy sh*t. Can we all group hug and tell this guy everything is going to be OK?

Look. I get it. More than anyone might know. For a while there, a good five years or so ago, I got into pretty good shape. I didn’t have a whole lot going on in my life, so it was my priority. I had the time and the focus. I felt great. I wanted other people to feel just as great. So, I became a personal trainer. I got certified. I had clients. I made some good money on the side. I got more clients. But, I still had my day job. I started having less time to work out on my own. Less time for meal prep. Less time to have a life.

I gained the weight back. A lot of it. I wasn’t in good shape anymore. I had a hard time telling clients what to do when, obviously, I wasn’t doing it either. So, I quit.

The level of shame I felt – and still feel – is huge. I once was the trainer and now I’m the trainee. I once was close to having rock solid abs and now I’m fighting the spare tire.

So yeah, I get it. I feel for these guys. But I’m not shocked or surprised. Now that it’s out in the open, those who still think the “Biggest Loser” is a standard for weight loss to which they should hold themselves will hopefully see the light. There is something to be said for setting smaller, attainable goals for a successful weight loss journey. That’s real reality.